The Blog of tacit

Right now my heart is racing and i am really nervous. It isn't a bad nervous though...

A gentleman friend is going to call me... i have yet to speak with him yet on the phone. I feel so silly for feeling scared. My mouth keeps getting dry and i am just freaking out.

Its funny how i had no problem on saturday standing up in front of a bunch of peers and my mentor(ish) and almost screaming how i think prostitution should  be legalized.. yet right now i am scared/nervous. eek

I am such a loser

Today was a crazy day. It started off normal and uneventful. Around  9 AM. I had a feeling it just wasn't gonna be my day. School was alright. I found $2  in my pocket, aced the drills, and we got out early.

There was a plan to go to newport mall. I have not been there in several years and was a bit reluctant to go there. I am always the driver. I am the only one with a car. As i was dropping a friend, who was not coming with us,  off at home I accidently backed up and hit a wooden stop sign. I was fine.. the stop sign was cool. This was foreshadowing of the events that were soon to unfold.

I embarked on the journey towards the mall. For some reason i was just not driving great today. Im not sure why. I had Didi, KK and mad in the car with me. This is illegal. I am only supposed to have 1 person under 18 in the car. It is bad but i do that all the time. Today i kept making wrong turns and going in odd ways.

We eventually were on the road to the holland tunnel. We did NOT want to go in. that would be bad. We were all of a sudden stuck on the road leading up and i tried frantically to get over to the right. I nearly hit a car, who was speeding, in the process. I feebly made it into a burger king parking lot.

I was feeling stressed and worn out. i needed a minute to calm down. I pulled into a parking spot and asked mad to get me my glasses from the trunk. As she was getting out we all noticed a homeless man coming right at us. we knew he wanted money. She hoped back in the car and told me to go. I didn't really have anything much to give at that second so i figured i would try to go.

The homeless man came next to my car. He was on my side near the back tire. I was backing up and trying to avoid hitting him. I got very distracted when he was right next to me. I slammed into a black town car on line in the drive through. Everyone freaked out in the car. I just sighed while uttering an expletive.

I pulled forward into the same spot. I was remarkably calm. I told my passengers to chill and i went out to greet the man that i hit. I went up to his car. I looked at his damage before i even cared a little bit about mine. He was a large fellow who spoke with an accent. He was in his late 40s or older. He confused me with some of the things he said. I tried to be as nice and cordial as possible. I really did not want him to call the cops. That was his favorite idea. I just kept saying "We can exchange information?!"  To be honest.. i have no idea what that means. I have just heard it in Tv and movies enough times...lol

So he called the cops....

TO BE CONTINUED*

*sorry i will continue later. so sleepy right now

Today I went to see a stage production of Romeo and Juliet. It was better then i expected. There has always been something i didn't like about the play. I feel like the lead characters... are just not believable. Well they are but i hate that it is presented as a love story when i can not imagine that there was any "love" at all.

I can rant on about it for days...

Anyway, after watching todays production i have a new found respect for the play.  I was going to say something profound but it has slipped away from me. Mercutio and Benvolio were super HOT! my goodness. Im usually not the type to say such a thing...

Danny's song

Its crazy. Why do i keep on singing/humming/listening to this song?

i need this song to disappear for a little while. Its making me more sad for some weird reason. uhhh

1. I am sick. I have this cold and i believe a sinus infection. I can barely hear anything and my ears hurt. Today i tried so hard to push through with the day.
2. It is the anniversary of my fathers death. I have been wanting to see his grave for so long. I just can't go alone. There isn't anyone who wants to go with me. 
3. My aunt basically admitted that she hates me and thinks that i am going to be a serial killer tonight. She screamed at my mother about how much of a psycho i am etc. that hurts.
4. I got back from princeton awhile ago. I didn't have as much fun as other years. I woke up at 4am and have been up since. i only got about 3 hours of sleep the night before. I don't sleep much anymore.
5. there is more.. but i feel awful right now... 

 I am so damn tired. I hardly get any restful sleep. I know i am not alone in that. I feel like my face is packed with cotton balls, my ears hurt and itch uhh. i keep sneezing and i know this is just the beginning eww

Tomorrow i am going to princeton. This is the fourth and final year that i am in JSA and will be going. We do debates and stuff. i have to be at my school at 5:30am. I was enlisted to pick up my 2 friends. I also have to find a coffee place. basically i should get up at 4.

Tonight it is my aunts b-day. I just got back from running around trying to get the cake. We are going out at 8pm. I have no idea when we will return. I really hate family get togethers. some one always gets super drunk.... hell they all do.

right now all i want to do is have a glass of orange juice and lay down forever. maybe throw some vodka in that juice.

*finally home. I need to sleep! gahh what am i doing*

I live in a swamp town. We are known for our "swamp". That can be pretty sometimes but really only if you travel deep on in. There is a whole part of town that is outlets and factories. That area of town is just so drab and feels abandoned.

There is, however, this little duck pond. I loved it when i was a child and just recently rediscovered it. A piece of my heart lives there. There is just something so peaceful about it.

****sorry the pictures are crap. i could do better =(*****

These days i am hardly ever at home. It is kinda crazy. I left early this morning and just got home. I think it may be a good thing.

Today i bought a large bottle of vodka and.. other unidentified liquor with the intention of sitting alone and drinking until.... idk i passed out i suppose. Who knows. I decided to put a "last call" out for driving people around as my FB status.

Now i am headed back out into the world. god knows where im going and how long i will be gone.  i guess its good that people love to use me...

Today while in my travels i found the "duck pond". When i was a little girl my father would take me there to feed the ducks. I have been looking for it for the past few months. I got out of the car and walked around and took pictures. 

Some of it all was beautiful. I walked around and contemplated the birds. I thought about how they interact and depend on each other. I watched them fight, sleep, swim, and even care for each other. there were all kinds of ducks. all different sizes and colors. there were even some pigeons just hanging out. It was nice... until i saw the goose.

He was standing by the garbage can. He was the only goose there and he was some distance away from me at first. I needed to take a double take. His right wing was dragging on the ground. It was extremely twisted and obviously broken. This immediate sadness filled me up. I knew that he doesn't have much of a chance to live long. When he walked he tripped over his wing. I wanted to help.. but what could i do? take him to the vet? even if i was able to catch him what could they do? What money would i pay with? What difference would it make?

i felt a connection to this bird.  He is me. I am him. there is a piece of me that is broken. i don't think it can be fixed. Even though he was surrounded by hundreds of ducks he was still alone.

 Yesterday did not start off as a good day. I was just feeling very stressed and did not have very much sleep. During my first block things just started to become too much to take. I probably cried a little bit. I was feeling so many different emotions. I was listening to my new teacher talk and i felt like i was going to just start sobbing super loud in class. I decided that i should go see someone.

When the class was over i went to visit the school psychologist. I have known her since i was in 2nd grade. I have been seeing her less and less over the years. I layed down on her couch and just talked and talked. I was there over an hour. I missed almost all of my english class. I think i had to though.

I felt better after talking to her. Im glad i didn't freak out at school.

Gogol Bordello 

  Yeah, oh yeah, you seen me walk on burning bridges

Yeah, oh yeah, you seen me fall in love with witches
And you know my head is held inside by stitches
Yet you know I did survive all of your lonely sieges

And you know that I'll pick up every time you call
Just to thank you one more time
Alcohol, oh alcohol, alcohol

And you know that I'll survive very time you call
Just to thank you one more time for everything you've done
Alcohol, alcohol

I am sorry some of us given you bad name
Yeah, oh yeah, 'cause we love you, nothing is the same
Yeah, oh yeah, I miss you so every time we breakup
Just to hit a higher note every time we makeup

And you know that I'll pick up every time you call
Just to thank you one more time
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol

So now you know I will survive every time you call
Just to thank you one more time for everything you've done
[Foreign Content]

Now you know that I'll pick up every time you call
[Incomprehensible]
Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, alcohol

Who is crawling up my spine?
(Alcohol)
I was waiting long, long time
(Alcohol)

Now you teach me how to rhyme
(Alcohol)
Just don't stab in the back with a cortisol
(Alcohol)

Now forever reunite
(Alcohol)
Now you teach me how to rhyme
(Alcohol)

Screw a light bulb in my head
(Alcohol)
May the ceremony be happy or sad

And you know that I'll pick up every time you call
Just to thank you one more time for everything you've done
And you know that I'll pick up every time you call
Just to thank you one more time, alcohol

I feel like such an idiot when ever i feel upset and i write anything. I feel like it looks like i am fishing for sympathy but i am not. i don't want to make people feel bad or feel obligated to say anything. i appreciate the things people say of course..

Today i feel like i have been weighed down. it feels like someone is pressing down on my chest making it hard to breathe or care. I feel very alone and betrayed today. I was out non stop today just constantly moving. when i came home my family was viscously fighting. i feel like my friend betrayed my confidence by telling the gudance department at my school about me.

i am upset she went behind my back and "reported" me in a way. I have lots of "friends" but i feel like they don't really care. I  feel like i am just someone thats there to them. someone who drives them anywhere they want at their beck and call.

tonight i.... just have had enough. im not saying im going to do anything... but it really doesn't seem like a terrible idea honestly.. 

 Oh My! Today i have been running around so much. I actually have been running around a lot the past few weeks. I just got back from a meeting of JSA. It is a group/club that i have been part of all of my high school career.

It is a debating/political kind of thing and we go to places like princeton and washington and do fun activities. I love it. I don't know why exactly.. but i really do. The advisor is a teacher that i have had for years and feel pretty close with. Hell... i was gonna run for president but i got sick so... =/

Anyway i have been super busy and missed the announcements for the sign ups. I went to the meeting today and they said they were going to be very strict and that NO one could join now. If you hadn't paid already then you are not in it. My heart sank. I was very worried.

After the meeting i talked with my friend about what i should do. The girl who is president and i haven't had the greatest past. I kind of figured she hated me. We went up to the treasurer .... who also does not like me.. and he said no. I decided to wait to talk to my teacher. so i stood in a line waiting.

I suddenly became very depressed. I felt like i could almost cry. It probably sounds silly. It is just something that i have actually cared about.. and been involved in even when i was really down. I was part of it before it became "cool" at my school. I even thought that if i can't be part of it i would quit everything else. This giant pocket of grief popped out of nowhere.

I finally was able to get to my teacher. I told him "I don't want to put you in a bad situation... but i didn't sign up and pay the money" It was so hard for my words to come out.

He didn't say anything at first. He looked like he was thinking and about to speak. I was waiting with bated breath. Then all of a sudden the president came up and said it was no problem. OMG i was so relieved. She signed me up and i gave her the money. They said that they were just trying to get rid of some of the riff raff that wanted in.

I would be completely devestated if the said no. I might have started crying. I actually did have some tears come while i was waiting. Oh man... How weird is it that it means that much?

Today i am in a fairly decent mood. This is  EXTREMELY different from how i have been feeling the past few days...weeks.. hell.. even months. Sure i have had moments of feeling alright, but today is different. I just all of a sudden started feeling happy and smiling for no reason at all today

..People were asking me "Why are you smiling" or saying "stop looking at me" "you're strange"  "What?!" etc lol

Usually by this time i would already be in a bad mood and might of been mean to someone on a normal day. So I got to thinkin.... whats different? Then i remembered i increased my antidepresants 3 days ago. I had forgotten that i took them early in the morning.

So.. I guess they are giving me a bit of a high lol. not one you could sell or anything.. but its still nice.... for now

I am eating a green paper like it is an apple right now. looks kinda funny...

dinner...? 

**pepper** not paper

I feel guilty that i am always so down. It seems like every time i open my mouth i am saying something depressing. I know it gets old and on everybody's nerves. =/

If things don't improve... I don't know..

I think tomorrow or the next day i will be increasing my antidepressants. either that or i will run out..  anyway i am hoping that will make me feel better... hopefully very soon. (shhh don't tell my brain that it takes some time to kick in. cross your fingers for the placebo effect) 

Regina Spektor sings real love by john lennon.

John lennon sings

Almost everyday after school a bunch of my friends and i get in the car and blast the Cabaret soundtrack with the top down. Oh yea... we are super awesome/cool. All the cool kids blast show tunes  :P

I can not even tel you how many times i have heard 'Willkommen' this week! haha

My favorite right now from the recent show is "Tomorrow belongs to me(reprise)" haha

 I don't know why i like it so much hahahaha

So today i read this poem to my school over the loud speaker. My principal had me sit in his chair in his office... i don't know why i keep saying that to everyone! lol.

Anyway it went fairly well. Everyone told me i did a good job. My voice has been blahh to me for a while but i don't think anyone else hears it. haha.

I just realized RIGHT now that i didn't read the last 3 lines. It wasn't my fault though!!! My VP never gave them to me! i feel bad i didn't read it in its entirety.

 One
by Cheryl Sawyer

As the soot and dirt and ash rained down,
We became one color.
As we carried each other down the stairs of the burning building
We became one class.
As we lit candles of waiting and hope
We became one generation.
As the firefighters and police officers fought their way into the inferno
We became one gender.
As we fell to our knees in prayer for strength,
We became one faith.
As we whispered or shouted words of encouragement,
We spoke one language.
As we gave our blood in lines a mile long,
We became one body.
As we mourned together the great loss
We became one family.
As we cried tears of grief and loss
We became one soul.
As we retell with pride of the sacrifice of heros
We become one people.

We are
One color
One class
One generation
One gender
One faith
One language
One body
One family
One soul
One people

We are The Power of One.
We are United.
We are America.

 Today is the anniversary of 9/11/01.... im sure everyone knows what that is and doesn't need me explaining.

Anyway my Vice principal came up to me on the 10th and asked me to read a poem in the morning over the loud speaker. He is a big fan of my speaking voice. So... now it is the night/early morning before. I am a little nervous... but i can do it.

I just don't want to fuck up and stutter or something... or sound to happy. Wish me luck everyone! I hope i can wake up early to get there!

Right now i am just so hyped in a bad way. I have so much work that needs to be done. There are so many things i can't find that are due tomorrow. I can barely string my thoughts together. I feel like screaming. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest 

It is stress.... but i also have been taking diet pills.... too many. because i am stupid...

right now i feel pretty odd. i am tired... which is normal but i feel so heavy. my breathing is a little weird too

i don't know. i kind of feel like i am out of it. i think i accidentally took my medication twice today. i didn't even realize that. the 2 pills i took prob shouldnt even be together in the first place. diet pills and antideppresants

150mg extra isn't crazzy amout right? i don't know. i can barely keep my head up all of a sudden

i need to lay down... 

A large thunder roll just cracked while my aunt was looking through the fridge. My little shih tzu is terrified of rain and thunder and everything,  so she jumped into the fridge and got deep in there LOL. we had trouble getting her out. haha

 Tomorrow i am going to school. It will be the first day in close to 9 months. This is my final year of high school.

I am a bit nervous... and not very excited. There is a part of me that wants to see others.. but i know i will be tired of it before the day is done. There aren't many people i look forward to seeing. I kind of hope everyone forgets that i haven't been to school.

I don't want to answer the questions. I don't even know how  to answer them. I know someone will take the long absence and think ...... well you can imagine. what else is 9 months...

I am not really in any classes i want to take. There is chemistry and calculus .... which to be honest... i don't know much of anything about! Then there is this writing class.... uhhhh i am such a bad writer =/ I guess it is good i am in the class. Then i wanted to be in AP literature... but for some reason my guidance councelor moved me out without telling me :(

I didn't have bad grades or anything =/

Any way..... UHHHHHH school.

 This is kind of how i just feel these days...

oh janis.....

It's sad, so sad to be alone
It's sad, so sad to be alone
No friends to help you, no family no home
It's sad, so sad to be alone

The dusty road calls you, come again
The dusty road calls you, come again
The dusty road calls you, you walk till the end
It's sad, so sad to be alone

You look at other people through your tears
You look at other people through your tears
They know nothing of sorrow, of saddness or fear
It's sad, so sad to be alone

You sit and sing in darkened rooms
You sit and sing in darkened rooms
Your song fills the air with increasing gloom
It's sad, so sad to be alone

It's sad, so sad to be alone
It's sad, so sad to be alone
No friends to help you, no family, no home
It's sad, so sad to be alone