tacit's Blog

My hair. an hour ago i got home and just went a bit crazy and started taking chunks out of my hair using a straight razor. the sink was full of hair.

i was doing it with such vigor i stabbed and cut my hand a couple times.

no i can't help but keep 'playing' with the razors. my wrist&hair do not thank me

So, yea. I am just a loser with no direction in life. I wish i was kidding but i am dead serious. I am a senor in high school. Right now i am falling Chemistry. I don't know exactly how the hell I could be failing but i am. The class is done. I am just finishing up work i missed and the final. It is quite possible I will fail... and by failing that i can't graduate.

I have been an A&B student in just about everything else except a 3 other classes which one was gym c+ one year, photo(do not even get me started on that injustise) and pre calc c or something. that was hard for me bleghh.

So This on top of everything else in my life.. i just feel even worse. the future just seems bleak and hopeless.

It probably hasn't even been something that is noteworthy to anyone other than myself.. but i really haven'tbeen coming on EP much lately.

The reason is ive noticed i come on here when i am depressed. When ever i am here all i do is spread my woe and accomplish nothing other than bringing down everyone else.  I wish I could say i haven't been on because i haven't been sad.. butthat would be a lie. I just should suffer in silence.. like i used to. It makes life bearable for everyone else.

So I apologize if im not active much or don't answer fast or something.  Sorry everyone

I wish i was someone other than myself. I wish i could just be happy, I really do. I'm sorry if i am annoying other EP users or just being another drag on society. This is all i know in my life. I don't know how to be different.

I am getting the strong feeling that the world is sick of me.  I am pretty sick of me too. its not fair to anyone that has to deal with me.

To my friends: thank you. i know that even the most patient of all is tired of it.

to the 'guys': why me? i should have known better.  no one can tolerate the looks, personality, and emotions.

maybe today is just a bad day... but when do the good days come?

i hate myself so much. When will i realize that happiness is just not gonna happen. im only hurting others by being here.

I am  fed up. I have been sick for what feels like the past month. I missed one week of school in December and then this week so far.

There are two of the four classes i have that are giving me trouble. One is Pre-cal and the other is chemistry. About two months ago i got a deficiency or a warning for the pre-cal. I try hard in the class but i just don't seem to do well on the tests. Anyway i work with the teacher and its fine.

Today i received a deficiency for chemistry. All i can say is that i am furious. I consistently get the highest grades in the class when it comes to tests. Have I missed homework assignments? sure. thats an issue. Do i disregard the idiot teacher sometimes? hell yes. 

On at least 3 occasions i have caught him teaching us incorrect information. After that happened i figured it was best for me to not pay attention to him.
He is a creepy man who is playing mind games with me. I am sick and tired of this bull shit.

I am ready to just drop the class. I do not give a fuck if i have less than a month left! I do not want to sit in that class and be subservient to this asshole any longer. Now i have missed a few tests and that is an 'issue' to him. I always get what i need to do done. At this moment i just want to quit this stupid class.

And on another note I can't apply to the only college i have an interest in going to. The guidance counselor said it was pointless and now it is.

*UPDATE* I had no idea i could get a deficiency when i have a B average. Yea.. WTF. I sincerely think he was playing a power move and mind games. Ugh!!

Found this in my travels across the internet. Am I the only one who finds it funny lmao.

I feel bad that it seems i have only been coming here on EP when i am rather depressed. This has been a busy past couple of months. Now that the holiday season is here.... and winter... its hard to stay in a positive light.  This is always a hard time for me.

So please accept my apology when it appears that i am back and moping about. 


This week i have been sick. Apparently i have bronchitis. I am a bit incredulous  about that diagnosis though. I went back to the doctor today and he had me do the nebulizer thing then gave me a shot.. or rather he had the nurse do it. I have NO idea what the shot was. He was with me a total of 3 minutes tops.

I believe i have had an ear infection for at least a month. Ive been falling apart lately. This week was just a loss.

Even though i can hardly breathe at the moment (I ran up and down my stairs about 20 times bringing in mega groceries in 38 degree weather) I am somewhat cheerful. It a bit nice =)

 I really don't think i can take it anymore. Everyday i just feel worse. Now this damn season is upon us.  

I don't think im going to make it through. 

Today has just been a bad day. I tried to make myself better. I tried to relax, listen to music and think of more 'positive' things. Once i am in a slightly less horrendous state the universe has to slam me back into place.

My mother screams "Your Father would be so disappointed in you if he was alive" or "I'm glad your father isn't alive to see what you are" Whatever the fuck she said. uhh its all hurtful. And you may ask why? what have i done to be such a disappointment? Well it beats the hell out of me.  

Then i am just trying to calm down and all of a sudden i just throw up. yay. fun.  

I don't want to bother applying to colleges anymore.... i think  i am just going to stop..

i have tried so fucking hard this year. ive tried to get up every morning and go. I just can't do it anymore. I have no purpose for doing it.

There is no future for me. none at all.

At 5am, tomorrow, dec 6, I am taking the SAT for the last time. I have to wake up at 5 at least. Its at a school that i have never been to before.

I only took it once before, last May. I believe i got 1617 or something in that vicinity. For me... that is pretty bad =/. I could have done so so so so much better. Shortly before the test my doctor had put me on medication that gave me incredible mental side effects.  I had stopped taking it 3 days prior.

Anyway, this is my last chance. My guidance counselor basically has no hope for me when it comes to getting into NYU. I hope maybe i can improve that if even just a little.

I should go to sleep now! haha. Wish me luck, and pray i don't get lost on my way! :P

 Its funny how one person can kill your mood. He doesn't even know he is doing it. With just a hello.. i wince in pain. I don't want to be reminded.. His face.. it disgusts me. Thats how this works for me though...  

I corrupted you. i made the monster that you are. A zombie craving.... Ugh, I hate myself now.  What am I? What have I become? I'm a whore without the glamour. 

When will i stop being weak.. I do not love you. you do not love me. I am truly an object. A thing to use and then toss.  there is no respect for me.  How coldly we set up an 'appointment'.  

Friends and strangers alike tell me i am like "Pretty Woman". Sure... minus being pretty, finding love, and getting money. Lets not even touch on the "woman" aspect. Seriously... What the Fuck is wrong with me?!?

I am going to screw up something good because of some idiot. Now i won't only be hurting myself... but another person who seems to maybe like me for 'me'. I am just awful.

Right now my heart is racing and i am really nervous. It isn't a bad nervous though...

A gentleman friend is going to call me... i have yet to speak with him yet on the phone. I feel so silly for feeling scared. My mouth keeps getting dry and i am just freaking out.

Its funny how i had no problem on saturday standing up in front of a bunch of peers and my mentor(ish) and almost screaming how i think prostitution should  be legalized.. yet right now i am scared/nervous. eek

I am such a loser

Today was a crazy day. It started off normal and uneventful. Around  9 AM. I had a feeling it just wasn't gonna be my day. School was alright. I found $2  in my pocket, aced the drills, and we got out early.

There was a plan to go to newport mall. I have not been there in several years and was a bit reluctant to go there. I am always the driver. I am the only one with a car. As i was dropping a friend, who was not coming with us,  off at home I accidently backed up and hit a wooden stop sign. I was fine.. the stop sign was cool. This was foreshadowing of the events that were soon to unfold.

I embarked on the journey towards the mall. For some reason i was just not driving great today. Im not sure why. I had Didi, KK and mad in the car with me. This is illegal. I am only supposed to have 1 person under 18 in the car. It is bad but i do that all the time. Today i kept making wrong turns and going in odd ways.

We eventually were on the road to the holland tunnel. We did NOT want to go in. that would be bad. We were all of a sudden stuck on the road leading up and i tried frantically to get over to the right. I nearly hit a car, who was speeding, in the process. I feebly made it into a burger king parking lot.

I was feeling stressed and worn out. i needed a minute to calm down. I pulled into a parking spot and asked mad to get me my glasses from the trunk. As she was getting out we all noticed a homeless man coming right at us. we knew he wanted money. She hoped back in the car and told me to go. I didn't really have anything much to give at that second so i figured i would try to go.

The homeless man came next to my car. He was on my side near the back tire. I was backing up and trying to avoid hitting him. I got very distracted when he was right next to me. I slammed into a black town car on line in the drive through. Everyone freaked out in the car. I just sighed while uttering an expletive.

I pulled forward into the same spot. I was remarkably calm. I told my passengers to chill and i went out to greet the man that i hit. I went up to his car. I looked at his damage before i even cared a little bit about mine. He was a large fellow who spoke with an accent. He was in his late 40s or older. He confused me with some of the things he said. I tried to be as nice and cordial as possible. I really did not want him to call the cops. That was his favorite idea. I just kept saying "We can exchange information?!"  To be honest.. i have no idea what that means. I have just heard it in Tv and movies enough times...lol

So he called the cops....

TO BE CONTINUED*

*sorry i will continue later. so sleepy right now

Today I went to see a stage production of Romeo and Juliet. It was better then i expected. There has always been something i didn't like about the play. I feel like the lead characters... are just not believable. Well they are but i hate that it is presented as a love story when i can not imagine that there was any "love" at all.

I can rant on about it for days...

Anyway, after watching todays production i have a new found respect for the play.  I was going to say something profound but it has slipped away from me. Mercutio and Benvolio were super HOT! my goodness. Im usually not the type to say such a thing...

Danny's song

Its crazy. Why do i keep on singing/humming/listening to this song?

i need this song to disappear for a little while. Its making me more sad for some weird reason. uhhh

1. I am sick. I have this cold and i believe a sinus infection. I can barely hear anything and my ears hurt. Today i tried so hard to push through with the day.
2. It is the anniversary of my fathers death. I have been wanting to see his grave for so long. I just can't go alone. There isn't anyone who wants to go with me. 
3. My aunt basically admitted that she hates me and thinks that i am going to be a serial killer tonight. She screamed at my mother about how much of a psycho i am etc. that hurts.
4. I got back from princeton awhile ago. I didn't have as much fun as other years. I woke up at 4am and have been up since. i only got about 3 hours of sleep the night before. I don't sleep much anymore.
5. there is more.. but i feel awful right now... 

 I am so damn tired. I hardly get any restful sleep. I know i am not alone in that. I feel like my face is packed with cotton balls, my ears hurt and itch uhh. i keep sneezing and i know this is just the beginning eww

Tomorrow i am going to princeton. This is the fourth and final year that i am in JSA and will be going. We do debates and stuff. i have to be at my school at 5:30am. I was enlisted to pick up my 2 friends. I also have to find a coffee place. basically i should get up at 4.

Tonight it is my aunts b-day. I just got back from running around trying to get the cake. We are going out at 8pm. I have no idea when we will return. I really hate family get togethers. some one always gets super drunk.... hell they all do.

right now all i want to do is have a glass of orange juice and lay down forever. maybe throw some vodka in that juice.

*finally home. I need to sleep! gahh what am i doing*

I live in a swamp town. We are known for our "swamp". That can be pretty sometimes but really only if you travel deep on in. There is a whole part of town that is outlets and factories. That area of town is just so drab and feels abandoned.

There is, however, this little duck pond. I loved it when i was a child and just recently rediscovered it. A piece of my heart lives there. There is just something so peaceful about it.

****sorry the pictures are crap. i could do better =(*****

These days i am hardly ever at home. It is kinda crazy. I left early this morning and just got home. I think it may be a good thing.

Today i bought a large bottle of vodka and.. other unidentified liquor with the intention of sitting alone and drinking until.... idk i passed out i suppose. Who knows. I decided to put a "last call" out for driving people around as my FB status.

Now i am headed back out into the world. god knows where im going and how long i will be gone.  i guess its good that people love to use me...

Today while in my travels i found the "duck pond". When i was a little girl my father would take me there to feed the ducks. I have been looking for it for the past few months. I got out of the car and walked around and took pictures. 

Some of it all was beautiful. I walked around and contemplated the birds. I thought about how they interact and depend on each other. I watched them fight, sleep, swim, and even care for each other. there were all kinds of ducks. all different sizes and colors. there were even some pigeons just hanging out. It was nice... until i saw the goose.

He was standing by the garbage can. He was the only goose there and he was some distance away from me at first. I needed to take a double take. His right wing was dragging on the ground. It was extremely twisted and obviously broken. This immediate sadness filled me up. I knew that he doesn't have much of a chance to live long. When he walked he tripped over his wing. I wanted to help.. but what could i do? take him to the vet? even if i was able to catch him what could they do? What money would i pay with? What difference would it make?

i felt a connection to this bird.  He is me. I am him. there is a piece of me that is broken. i don't think it can be fixed. Even though he was surrounded by hundreds of ducks he was still alone.